The Brick Wall

Time for some tough love.  I shouldn't be--and really, am not-- surprised that a few weeks have gone by and I haven't seen any measurable changes. I really haven't changed my lifestyle, and:

TRUTH BOMB. Sure, I made some superficial modifications. I bought protein bars to up my protein intake and to stop me from eating less useful snacks. I did a few sort-of cleanse days. I made sort-of healthy fork meals. But really, this is the reality:

• I bought protein bars, and they were so yummy I ate way more of them in one sitting than I should have. 
• The cleanses I did were meaningless and short. An excuse rather than a solution.
• The fork meals, while generally healthy, were usually preceded by or followed by a few cheat snacks.

So, let's get real. I haven't REALLY been trying. It's time to ask the tough questions:

• Do I still want to lose the inches and pounds and tone up? YES.
• Why? This is a safe space, right? Okay. The answer is multi-faceted. 
• One reason is that as this relationship I am in gets more involved, I find myself wanting more of my body to be visible/accessible and attractive. This is more for me than for him. He says I am perfect as I am; I find intimacy easier when I feel better about my appearance. 
•  As summer approaches, there are a few styles of clothes I'd like to explore that are meant for a figure slightly slimmer than my own.
• Try as I might, I can't love my knee fat. I know it's a stupid thing, but I can't do it. I can love my hips and butt, but the knee fat? No.
• I want to be able to run 5 miles without fail whenever I want. I'm almost there, but not quite.
• My stomach issues are virtually nonexistent when I'm eating right.
• I sleep better when I'm eating right.
• I want to show the strength I feel inside on the outside in toned arms and legs.
• I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I think it will mean something that this last hurdle, the thing I haven't quite tackled, is conquered.

•  Are my goals realistic? 10 pounds by June is a little over a pound a week. 10 pounds is approximately one clothing size, which is also my goal. This is definitely manageable and a healthy timeline. My running goal is also totally within my grasp with some better training, and the muscle toning will come as the fat is converted to muscle. So YES. Definitely realistic.
• What will it take? Obviously this is the only question that really matters. Here's the gameplan:
• 1500 calories daily--learn how to judge this without an app, but keep tracking in MyFitnessPal for now.
• After a talk with a trainer, I've decided to go with 40% carbs, 30% fat, 30% protein in my meal plan.
• I can eat out for fork meals as often as I like, provided I can stay within my calorie and macro goals. How liberating!
• Snack meaningfully. 
• No more midnight binges to feed a mental need. Replace with a favorite drink, like Bai Antiodixant Infusion: 10 cals, 1 net carb, and 18oz of liquid because I'm probably just thirsty anyway.
• No more protein bars. They are too addictive and they mess with my stomach.
• Add in a third shake daily as a snack. This will help with protein.
• Take the Ionix and Accelerator RELIGIOUSLY. They are there to help with metabolism, mood, and hunger.
• Use IsaDelights and Snacks! as friends. They are MADE for this. 
• Friday weigh-ins WITHOUT FAIL.

• Exercise meaningfully: Run with purpose at least twice per week, set out a plan of attack for weight days and track progress, keep the exercise playlist fresh and fun, ENJOY the use of my body
• Cleanse 8pm-4pm two days per week, ending with a shake for dinner. When cleansing, stick to ONE IsaDelight and 4-6 Snacks! only.

But more than these action items--all of which are important-- I need to also make some changes to my emotional life. This new relationship is encroaching on my ME time, and the uncertainty of it is making me seek comfort in food. It's good to recognize this, I think. Now it's time to redirect. So, I will also be making the following changes:

• Work on my doctoral thesis 3 days per week for 90 minutes each. This can be in the morning before work or in the evening-- whenever I am not exercising that day. Nothing else is allowed to take away this time, and it will be CALENDARED.
• Refocus on my financial goals. Paying for dinners out, dinners in, movies, new clothes, and other relationship-related items are taking me away from my goal of getting out of debt, and therefore I am always feeling a squeeze of guilt about my finances. That has to stop. If I can't afford to do something, I will be honest about it and stay home. End of story.
• Be honest-- with myself, and with my guy. This relationship is complicated, and when the uncertainty or doubt start to creep in, I need to say something instead of eating something.

Okay, so here's to a fresh start. This is totally doable. I've got this.

Tackling the Cleanse Days

So, this system has a few components, the most obvious being the shakes as replacements for two meals daily. This is the most visible part of the program, so it's what a lot of people think Isagenix is.  The shakes ARE important-- they are packed with nutrients and undenatured whey protein and do an amazing job of giving your body the energy and nutrition it needs to get healthy and get lean-- and why doing only the shakes will probably get you results with weight loss and building lean muscle, the catalyst for weight loss overdrive is the cleanse.

Ideally, you have five shake days per week (where you replace two meals on those days with shakes, and then have a 400-600 calorie fork meal for your third meal), and two back-to-back cleanse days. A cleanse day consists of drinking Cleanse For Life and Ionix Supreme, eating 4-6 Snacks, and 2 IsaDelights, 1/4 apple, or similar snack. Your total caloric intake on a cleanse day is about 300-500.

A lot of research has been done on the benefits of intermittent fasting. A few years ago I dabbled in the 5:2 diet that is all the rage in England, which is the same basic idea: five days of healthy eating, and two days of 500 calories or less. The benefit of the Cleanse for Life is that is keeps your metabolism rate up and your energy level.

So what is it like to live through a cleanse day? The first few cleanses can be challenging. For me, the habit of eating was something I needed to overcome; it forced me to think "Am I actually hungry, or is it just 12:30 and I know I usually eat now?" The biggest surprise came after my third cleanse, when I found myself automatically reaching for water throughout the day and went to bed satisfied and woke up for cleanse day 2 without hunger pains. One side effect of cleansing is that you feel cold ALL THE TIME. Right now I am cleansing, and I've got on a sweatshirt and thick socks and I turned the heater up in my house, and I'm still a little cold.

But perhaps the biggest challenge of the cleanse days is dealing with other people. The term "cleansing" conjures images of Hollywood stars sucking down expensive juices and spending hours near a toilet. Cleanse for Life is not like that; it's a gentle cleanse, and the focus is more on keeping things moving in your system and on the reduced caloric intake than on an evacuation of every thing in your body. Gross.

One positive side-effect of the cleanse is an increase in energy and a sense of well-being. When I am cleansing, I feel AWESOME. Not sure if it's mental or if it's just having the steady and regular metabolism and energy levels. Regardless, I have amazing workouts on cleanse days and a generally great attitude. 

Everyone treats the cleanses differently. Some people do only one cleanse day per week. Some just add in Cleanse for Life at the end of every day.  What works for me is a modified cleanse, where I cleanse the entire day and then have a very small meal in the evening. Tonight, for example, I am having a salad with chicken, and I will repeat this for day two tomorrow.

I also find that I need to prep for cleanse day to get my head into the right zone AND so that I don't have an excuse to slip up. I make all the cleanses ahead of time and label them by the time they should be drunk. I'll attach zip-locks with the appropriate snacks to the cups, and shove it all in my fridge the night before.

For me, the cleanse serves two purposes: First, it helps me mentally reset. There's always a shake day or two when my fork meal or snacking is a bit out of control. For example, yesterday was my uncle's birthday party and there was MUCH catered food. I did a pretty good job of checking in with myself to see when I was full, but I overdid it. Today's cleanse lets me get back in touch with my body and my hunger so I can be aware of my needs.  Secondly, the reduced caloric intake helps make up for those occasional slip-ups.

Adaptogen sound like a type of nanobot

... Or a Transformer. The Isa stuff is full of them. Here's what they are, from Isagenix:

So basically adaptogens help plants deal with stress, and the idea is they should help humans deal with stress as well. Sounds like a bunch of hooey, right?

I was skeptical. And then I started drinking Ionix Supreme. I'm now a believer. Ionix Supreme is part of the Isagenix system, and comes in the 30-Day pack, the President's Pack, the Pacesetter Pack, and is available alone. It's comes in powder or liquid form (I prefer the powder), and you can drink it hot or cold.

My favorite way to drink Ionix Supreme is as a hot tea. I have it in the morning, about 8am when I am getting ready for work, and then on especially stressful days I will have another cup in the late morning or early afternoon. The taste took some getting used to, but now I look forward to it. Reminds me of hot apple cider.

It not only adds more water intake to my day (something I am always looking for), but also gives me a little energy boost and morale boost. I can't imagine NOT having my daily Ionix now.

Weigh-In Day

Part of my efforts at accountability include more regular weigh-ins and measurements. I know it's ridiculous to weigh myself daily. That's just asking for disappointment and unrealistic expectations. I like to use my clothes as a guide for how I'm doing with my weight loss goals, and my first month on Isagenix I was able to wear size 2 pants I haven't worn in two years. But I need to add in the scale and the tape measure so that I have a mental push to keep with my plan.

But what day of the week? I like Fridays for weigh-ins because if, for some reason, I slip up on the weekend there's still a buffer of work days to recover before the weigh-in. Also, if I have a good weigh-in I find it gives more confidence for the weekend and inevitable temptations.

So, what am I hoping to see today?  My starting weight was 131.8 pounds. Today, I am hoping to see 130.0 or lower. Here goes nothing.

WHAT? Over 4 pounds! Gotta love this system. I am telling you.

Control issues and self-esteem

Part of this journey is about getting in touch with my feelings and understanding how I use food and exercise to deal with those feelings. When I was talking to my male friend the other day I mentioned that a stressful situation made me want some ice cream. He didn't understand how eating food could make me feel better. And he's right, strictly speaking. But momentarily the yumminess feels good.

The trick is to understand the connection between my snacking and my feelings.  For me, my greatest comfort comes from having control over a situation. I live for plans and calendars and to-do lists and schedules. I thrive on the predictable. This is why Isagenix is such a great program for me; it's predictable and plan-friendly.

But life is not always like this. When I was autonomous and completely independent (read single and alone) I had control over just about every aspect of my life except for work issues, and those I had learned to leave at work and not take home with me.  But for the past month or so I've been in a relationship that has some very unpredictable elements. Interesting how my snacking has become more frequent during that same time...

So, what can I do? The snacking does not SOLVE anything, and that's the first thing I have to accept. Sure, it feels good for the few minutes I'm chewing on that protein bar or scooping out that hummus, but the real problems remain when the bowl has been licked clean. The snack has no bearing on the outcome of the real issue.

Second, I should keep in mind the compounding effect of emotions. I may be stressed about things happening in this relationship, but bingeing on guacamole or popcorn only makes me feel sick and guilty on top of stressed. Which makes me more stressed and depressed, which makes me want to eat more.

This ridiculous and immature cycle must stop. How stupid can you be?

Of course, I usually think of these things after I've stuffed my face. The trick will be to add this to my self-dialogue BEFORE the snacking, and to take things one day at a time.

The 2pm Slump

I've struggled with sleep for the last three years, ever since I bought my house. I think it started as a result of the stress of owning my own home, and never quite went away. It was replaced with the stress of my new job. I finally got it under control last summer and was able to stop taking Ambien nightly, but since my social life has become more busy and I've been going to sleep later I've unfortunately become reacquainted with the 2pm slump. Sometime after lunch I crash, sometimes falling asleep at my desk mid-email.

Enter the e+ energy shot. Oh my goodness, this thing is a life saver. But--I kid you not-- it tastes like battery acid the first few times you drink it. It's fine going down, but the aftertaste is enough to make you long for the sweet aftertaste of vomit. Gross. But I can now down it like it's candy. It gives me energy for the entire afternoon, and is especially helpful on cleanse days and days when I am going to 5:30pm Body Pump.

These suckers are not cheap at about $3 each, but I guess for people who get a daily afternoon Starbucks for an energy boost this is the same idea. I take this on Body Pump days, cleanse days, and the occasional work day when I can't keep my eyes open. Generally I have a ton of energy on Isagenix, but the late nights are definitely taking their toll.

As part of my re-boot of this lifestyle, I'm going to keep these suckers well stocked. When I get tired I tend to reach for unhealthy snacks, like sweets. If I can keep the energy level up, I won't need to search for sugar. This bad boy makes an appearance on my weekly schedule about 3-4 times.

The Cost of Healthy Living

A common hurdle for people investigating Isagenix is the cost. It was for me. I heard about it first in early November, but when I saw the prices I had to evaluate my budget. At $75/weekly for groceries, it was difficult to swallow the $350 monthly pricetag for two meals per day.  Here's how Isagenix breaks down for me:

Each month I purchase a 30-day pack for about $300 (the associate rate), which includes

• 4 weeks of 2 daily shakes
• Cleanse for Life for the month
• 4 Replenish sticks (sort of like Gatorade mix)
• Accelerator capsules for the month
• IsaFlush for the month
• Snacks for the month (wafers meant to help curb hunger and keep blood sugar steady, especially on cleanse days)

This takes care of all my breakfasts and lunches, as well as weekly cleanses.  In theory, all I would need to buy beyond this is dinners and shake mix-ins, like bananas or PB2. I am using Blue Apron for my dinner fork meals at $60 about every other week.

So, my monthly grocery budget is now about $420 rather than $300. So yes, Isagenix is more expensive than regular groceries. But I was also eating out more frequently prior to Isagenix, about 2-3 times per week at $10-15 each time. Now I eat out once every other week. This brings my total monthly eating bill to $480, and my previous monthly eating bill to $420.

So basically for $60 more monthly I can eat healthier and lose weight? Sounds like a good investment to me. Granted, I have been supplementing my 30-day pack with eShots, IsaLean bars, and IsaDelights (more on these in later posts), but for the first month, when I was most successful, I did just the 30-day pack and I was all set. Which, now that I think of it, makes me question the need for these little extras. They seem like good excuses for snacking...

Go Big or Go Home: Snacking and the defeatest mentality

This is my trap, my nemesis, my white whale: I start out the day with a plan. It's a GOOD plan. It has the perfect blend of meals, snacks, exercise, hydration, protein, carbs... The plan is flawless.

Then someone leaves doughnuts in the lounge with a sign that says, "Enjoy!" And the plan, which will bring me long-term happiness if I consistently stick with it, is overshadowed by the pink box of rainbow-sprinkled instant gratification. Now, if I were better at intuitive eating, I would ask myself, "Do I want a doughnut? If so, why? Will having the doughnut meet that need? If not, what else can I do that would meet that need? If so, can I be happy with just one? If not, why?" Intuitive eating means asking a lot of questions. I do try to ask myself these questions, and I try to be OK with eating the doughnut if that is really what I want and it will bring me happiness because, after all, it's just an effing doughnut. Life is short. Eat the bloody doughnut and move on.

But I am very focused on my plan. I am very focused on the SUCCESS of my plan. And when I do something that interferes with the plan, I figure it's a lost cause because it is no longer a perfect plan. It is flawed. There's no hope of saving that plan anymore. It is ruined. So, if the plan is ruined anyway, why stop at one doughnut? I rarely reach the stage where food loses it's tastiness. The second doughnut often tastes just as good as the first, and the third or fourth equally so.

Of course, this is completely illogical. I recognize that. After all, I may do a DAILY meal plan, but my body doesn't know what day it is. It doesn't know that at midnight we start over and what I did yesterday no longer counts and today is a new day with no mistakes in it, Anne Shirley. My body just knows calories in-calories out. So, logically, eating that second, third, and fourth doughnut isn't just kicking today's plan in the face, it's also kicking tomorrow's plan and the next day's plan. As I'm writing this, I am realizing this.

Part of my renewed efforts at my healthy lifestyle include a written plan. This is how I started on Isagenix, and it brought me much success. It was when I tried to just wing it that I lost my grasp on the goals. So, I've made my week's meal and exercise plan. It is printed out and on my phone. When I have a lapse in judgment, or my intuitive eating questions tell me that yes, I do want that danish, I will have the danish and then continue with the plan. Granted, if I am being honest with myself, I think I will find that I need the danish RARELY. Danish is probably just a metaphor for "Talk with the boy about why he didn't call to cancel dinner with you until late in the day," anyway. But between the intuitive eating questioning and the renewed efforts to not let one danish turn into 40 because "why not? the day is ruined anyway," I think I will see some significant improvement in both my mood and my measurements.

Why Isagenix?

As I mentioned in my introductory post, this is not my first rodeo. I've been trying to maintain or lose weight for about 15 years, ever since I gained my freshman 15. I was a cheerleader in high school, and though I wasn't the slimmest gal on the squad, I don't mind saying that I looked good in that uniform. Sure, I always had thunder thighs (I was a base and not a flyer, for those of you who know the cheerleading vernacular), but I wore that teeny skirt with pride, and rarely felt big or too squishy or jiggly. At seventeen, I could eat an entire large pizza and follow it up with See's candy and Martinelli's Sparkling Apple Cider for dessert, and then go out for a midnight milkshake, and not worry about my weight. This changed in college when the added stress stacked atop a more sedentary lifestyle and a bit of depression (my grandmother died, I had moved away from home, my friend got married and consequently I re-evaluated all my life choices) worked in bitter harmony to help me pack on about 10 pounds to my high school 120. I've hovered around 128-132 ever since, except for last year when the new job brought with it an additional 5 pounds. At 137, I was the heaviest I had ever been.

I have a lot to say about eating disorders, losing weight quickly, losing weight slowly, enjoying eating, enjoying cooking, finding exercise that I like, and all sorts of health- and weight-related issues. The point is that I've tried Weight Watchers, Intuitive Eating, the Cooking Light Diet, calorie tracking, macro tracking, blah blah blah... Since I'm at a weight that's still considered healthy, it's difficult to lose weight. That last 10-15 pounds hangs on like an obsessive ex-boyfriend.

My friends started Isagenix about 8 months ago, and have lost about 70 pounds between the two of them. I figured, why not give it a shot? Here's what it is:

Isagenix is a premium nutrition and meal replacement program. For weight loss, you replace two daily meals with an IsaLean shake, which is whey protein (a whopping 24 grams of protein per shake). Your third meal, or "fork meal," should be between 400-600 calories, and hopefully low glycemic. You can supplement your day with a few low-cal/low-carb snacks as needed. But generally your daily caloric intake clocks in at around 1300.  In addition to the shake days, you can add in cleanse days with Isagenix's Cleanse For Life. It tastes like Crystal Light, but works to gently clean the toxins out of your body and reset your metabolism. Interspersed into all of this are Accelerator capsules meant to boost metabolism and curb hunger, IsaFlush capsules which gently clean you out, and then there's a whole array of protein bars and low-glycemic chocolates, energy shots, etc. that you can add into the mix. I'll go into detail about each of these in later posts.

The quality of the product is excellent. The shakes taste great, the accelerator and flush WORK, the energy shot gives me a boost without making me shake, and the cleanse makes me feel amazing. But more importantly, this is a plan I can follow. I can do a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a light dinner. I thrive on schedules and calendars and planning, and this allows me to do that.  There are no surprises. I HIGHLY recommend Isagenix.

I started Isagenix the first week in January, and over the first 30 days I had great success in both pounds lost AND inches. I stuck to the plan, and it did what it promised.  I had more energy, I felt amazing, and I went down in size. The issues began about two weeks ago, when my personal life started to get complicated, and I started a weird and completely new habit of late-night snacking. Where the heck did that come from? It was so random! Having now identified the issue, and having allowed my weight to creep back up a bit (though not to my starting weight, and while still maintaining some of the toning I had earned over the first month), I am now re-engaging with the lifestyle.

Moving forward, I am going to work on dealing with the issues behind the snacking, which stem from work and a "gentleman caller," as my sister likes to refer to him.  This means having some tough conversations with some people, and taking a good, hard look at my work environment. More on this later.

Away we go...

Wondering what the heck you've stumbled upon? Well, I'm not sure you're going to get much clarity through this post. I still don't know what this is. In theory, this will be a safe space for me to blog about my experience with a healthier lifestyle, a practice that I hope will force some accountability into my process. In reality, it may end up being a place where I lament my poor decisions (did you really need seven mini danishes today, Ashley?) and make pronouncements about how I will do better in future. The anonymity of the blog will allow me some room for brutal honesty. (Yes, I know it's not entirely anonymous.  But it's more anonymous than Facebook.)

We shall see.

My motivation for change is three-fold:

1. Since starting at a new job with added responsibilities and associated stresses, I gained about 10 pounds. I've been here a year now, and it's time for that weight to be a memory.
2. The family bi-annual trip to Maui is fast approaching (June) and I would love to finally have some pictures of me in a bathing suit that don't cause me to cringe inwardly.
3. There are a lot of cute outfits I'd like to start wearing that don't quite work at my current body composition. Tied to this is the potential for dating and nights out, which--shallow as it sounds-- I would feel more comfortable doing if I were a tad more... svelte.

My goal is to reach a size/weight I accomplished a few years ago through some health issues (I was on pain medication that made me nauseated, so I ate very little), but this time to reach it in a healthy manner. Having seen what I CAN look like, I am now dissatisfied with my norm. My sister, who is in recovery from an eating disorder would probably tell me that this is not a healthy mindset, but whatever. At 32 years old, I think I've learned what's healthy and what's not for myself.

Creative Commons

I am 5' 5".  The goal is 120 pounds, and a size 0/2 by June 3 (the day I leave for Maui), with 20% or lower BMI. Currently, I am 131.8 pounds, and a size 4, with 22% BMI.  This means a pound a week, and some inches along the way.*

My plan is to blog at least every other day about my progress, recipes I'm trying, strategies I'm embracing, exercises I am liking or hating, and how I'm looking and feeling. Some days I may post more than once, but there will be a new post at least three days each week.

My process for my new healthy lifestyle centers around Isagenix, which is a premium nutrition and meal replacement program. I'll explain how it works in a separate post. Since weight loss and health are really mostly dependent on diet, that is my main focus. In addition, I work out 5-6 days per week, including 2-3 days of Les Mills Body Pump at 24-Hour Fitness, and 3-4 days of cardio (gym cardio machines, 5-mile run, long hike, etc.).


Thanks for checking in. Away we go!


*I am well aware of the difference between pounds and inches, muscle weight vs. fat weight, etc. This isn't my first rodeo.