The Brick Wall

Time for some tough love.  I shouldn't be--and really, am not-- surprised that a few weeks have gone by and I haven't seen any measurable changes. I really haven't changed my lifestyle, and:

TRUTH BOMB. Sure, I made some superficial modifications. I bought protein bars to up my protein intake and to stop me from eating less useful snacks. I did a few sort-of cleanse days. I made sort-of healthy fork meals. But really, this is the reality:

• I bought protein bars, and they were so yummy I ate way more of them in one sitting than I should have. 
• The cleanses I did were meaningless and short. An excuse rather than a solution.
• The fork meals, while generally healthy, were usually preceded by or followed by a few cheat snacks.

So, let's get real. I haven't REALLY been trying. It's time to ask the tough questions:

• Do I still want to lose the inches and pounds and tone up? YES.
• Why? This is a safe space, right? Okay. The answer is multi-faceted. 
• One reason is that as this relationship I am in gets more involved, I find myself wanting more of my body to be visible/accessible and attractive. This is more for me than for him. He says I am perfect as I am; I find intimacy easier when I feel better about my appearance. 
•  As summer approaches, there are a few styles of clothes I'd like to explore that are meant for a figure slightly slimmer than my own.
• Try as I might, I can't love my knee fat. I know it's a stupid thing, but I can't do it. I can love my hips and butt, but the knee fat? No.
• I want to be able to run 5 miles without fail whenever I want. I'm almost there, but not quite.
• My stomach issues are virtually nonexistent when I'm eating right.
• I sleep better when I'm eating right.
• I want to show the strength I feel inside on the outside in toned arms and legs.
• I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I think it will mean something that this last hurdle, the thing I haven't quite tackled, is conquered.

•  Are my goals realistic? 10 pounds by June is a little over a pound a week. 10 pounds is approximately one clothing size, which is also my goal. This is definitely manageable and a healthy timeline. My running goal is also totally within my grasp with some better training, and the muscle toning will come as the fat is converted to muscle. So YES. Definitely realistic.
• What will it take? Obviously this is the only question that really matters. Here's the gameplan:
• 1500 calories daily--learn how to judge this without an app, but keep tracking in MyFitnessPal for now.
• After a talk with a trainer, I've decided to go with 40% carbs, 30% fat, 30% protein in my meal plan.
• I can eat out for fork meals as often as I like, provided I can stay within my calorie and macro goals. How liberating!
• Snack meaningfully. 
• No more midnight binges to feed a mental need. Replace with a favorite drink, like Bai Antiodixant Infusion: 10 cals, 1 net carb, and 18oz of liquid because I'm probably just thirsty anyway.
• No more protein bars. They are too addictive and they mess with my stomach.
• Add in a third shake daily as a snack. This will help with protein.
• Take the Ionix and Accelerator RELIGIOUSLY. They are there to help with metabolism, mood, and hunger.
• Use IsaDelights and Snacks! as friends. They are MADE for this. 
• Friday weigh-ins WITHOUT FAIL.

• Exercise meaningfully: Run with purpose at least twice per week, set out a plan of attack for weight days and track progress, keep the exercise playlist fresh and fun, ENJOY the use of my body
• Cleanse 8pm-4pm two days per week, ending with a shake for dinner. When cleansing, stick to ONE IsaDelight and 4-6 Snacks! only.

But more than these action items--all of which are important-- I need to also make some changes to my emotional life. This new relationship is encroaching on my ME time, and the uncertainty of it is making me seek comfort in food. It's good to recognize this, I think. Now it's time to redirect. So, I will also be making the following changes:

• Work on my doctoral thesis 3 days per week for 90 minutes each. This can be in the morning before work or in the evening-- whenever I am not exercising that day. Nothing else is allowed to take away this time, and it will be CALENDARED.
• Refocus on my financial goals. Paying for dinners out, dinners in, movies, new clothes, and other relationship-related items are taking me away from my goal of getting out of debt, and therefore I am always feeling a squeeze of guilt about my finances. That has to stop. If I can't afford to do something, I will be honest about it and stay home. End of story.
• Be honest-- with myself, and with my guy. This relationship is complicated, and when the uncertainty or doubt start to creep in, I need to say something instead of eating something.

Okay, so here's to a fresh start. This is totally doable. I've got this.